Hello-Phone!
by Lady Salmakia
Summary: Prank phone calls in the Star Wars universe! Read and laugh or I set the jawas on you!


Author's note: Ok, ya'll...this is the stupidest thing I've ever written, but I think it's phunny. The grammar sucks in this, and my stage directions are inconsistent, but I don't care enough to standardize them all...Some kids prank-call Darth Vader and the Emperor. Chaos ensues. If you don't like it I will poke you with a lightsaber and giggle maliciously, then I will talk like Jar-Jar. And then Luke and I will ride off into the sunset...  
  
Disclaimer: A statement made to save one's own arse. (We all loved Dogma, didn't we?) For entertainment purposes only. PG for mild language and one suggestive line. No profit could ever be made off this, even if I actually was breaking the law and using the copyrighted information improperly.   
  
(A bunch of giggling kids call the Death Star, Darth Vader answers.)  
  
Darth: Hello?  
Kid 1: Hi! Is your refrigerator running?  
  
Darth: Why, yes. Yes it is.  
  
Kid 1 and Kid 2: Then you'd better go and catch it! (Hangs up)  
  
Darth: Yeah...well....Ooooh! Stupid kids! They'll pay...hang on...that's a pretty good idea...  
  
(The same bunch of kids call another line on the Death Star. The Emperor answers)  
  
Emperor: Hello?  
  
Kid 2: (giggling like crazy) Hello! Have you got Mr. Ewok Soup in a can?  
  
Emperor: Who is this?  
  
Kid 1: Then you'd better let him out! (Giggles then hangs up)  
  
Emperor: What the?   
  
(Cut to a shot of the inside of the Millennium Falcon. A phone rings. Han answers.)  
  
Han: Hello?  
  
Darth: (Breathing noises and giggling mix so we can barely understand him...) Hi! Is your hyperdrive working?  
  
Han: No, actually, it's not. Are you a repairman?  
  
Darth: Then you'd better....aw, crap! (hangs up)  
  
Han: I see how it is! Chewie! Let's make some prank calls! (He picks up the phone.) I know! We'll call Luke. The kid will never figure us out!  
  
(Cut to shot of Degobah. Yoda is sitting on a log. He has just picked up a phone.)  
  
Yoda: Darth Vader, To you, Greetings I give.  
  
Darth: Damnit! Why did I have to call the Jedi Master?Yoda: A question, you wish to ask. No, the answer is. A washing machine, I own not.  
  
Darth: Grrrrrrrrrrr........(hangs up)  
  
(Cut to shot of the revel base. The phone rings and Luke picks it up.)  
  
Han: Hello. Have you got Mr. Ewok Soup in a can?  
  
Chewie: Rowwwwwwwwwwar (laughing in Wookie)  
  
Luke: (Catching on quick...that's my baby!) Hello? Ewok soup? I was calling Pizza the Hutt. I want to order 10 large pizzas, without crusts or bottoms.  
  
Han: What the hell?  
  
Luke: Han?  
  
Han: Damn! (hangs up)  
  
Luke: Prank calls, huh? I can do this.  
  
(Cut to a shot of Bespine. Lando answers the phone)  
  
Lando: Hello. Cloud City gas mine. Lando Calrisian speaking. How may I help you?  
  
Yoda: The air speed velocity of an African swallow, what is it?  
  
Lando: What the hell? Are you that little green thing with the speech impediment? I don't know anything about African swallows!  
  
Yoda: Laugh, I will now. (He giggles and hangs up.)  
  
(Cut to a shot of Captain Piet on a command ship. He answers a ringing phone.)  
  
Captain Piet: Hello. Bridge of Command Ship. Captain Piet speaking.  
  
Darth: Is your hyper drive in running order?  
  
Captain Piet: Just checked this morning, Lord Vader.  
  
Darth: Then you'd better go and...aw, crap! I'll never get the hang of this! (Hangs up)  
  
(Cut to a shot of See-Threepio. A phone rings.)  
  
Threepio: Rebel base 'droid repair service station. How may I help you?  
  
Han: Do you have any plaid paint?  
  
Threepio: Not on hand, Sir. I'll go check in the back.  
  
Han: No, Goldenrod! There is no such thing as plaid paint! (Hangs up)  
  
Threepio: How odd. Oh, I understand. That was a prank call. I think I'll try that on Artoo. (He picks up the phone and calls. Artoo-Deetoo answers)  
  
Threepio: (singing) You're just too good to be true. Can't take my photoreceptors off of you! You'd be like the maker to touch. Just want to spend time with you so much. You're just too good to be true.  
  
Artoo: (Beeps which translates roughly to:) Threepio, you overly effeminate mindless idiot. That wasn't a prank call, that was stupid. Oh, and you can stop pretending you don't have a crush on me.  
  
Threepio: Curse my metal body! I hate you Artoo! You're cold and heartless! (Mechanical sobbing, then he hangs up.)  
  
(Cut to shot of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie answers the phone.)  
  
Chewie: Roooooooooar! (Hello in Wookie)  
  
Lando: Hello. Is this the bearu of missing persons? I'd like to report someone. I lost myself this morning. Do you think you can find me? (Hangs up)  
  
Chewie: RoooooRowoar? (What the hell?)  
  
(Cut to a shot of bunch of Ewoks. I don't know how, but they have a phone. It rings and one of them answers.)  
Ewok: Greetings! (in Ewok)  
  
Emperor: Do you have soup? In a can I mean. Ewok soup in a can?  
  
Ewok: (Shrieks and beats the phone of out existence.)  
  
Emperor: That wasn't right...  
  
(Cut to a shot of the Cantina on Tatooine. The phone rings.)  
  
Bar tender: Hello?  
  
Luke: Hi! I'm calling for an Al Coholic.  
  
Bar Tender: (yells out) Is there an Alcoholic here?  
  
(Everyone in the Cantina bursts out laughing. The Bar Tender yells angrily at the phone, but Luke has hung up already. Yes that one was from the Simpsons, I don't own them either. Hey! It's hard coming up new gags!)  
  
Bar Tender: Stupid punks...  
  
(Cut to shot of Jabba's palace. The phone is handed to Jabba.)  
  
Jabba: Hello? (in Hutteese)  
  
Emperor: Hello. Do you happen to have any canned Ewok?  
  
Jabba: We only have Bantha.   
  
Emperor: Then you'd better let...screw this! I can't do it! Can I borrow some canned Bantha then?  
  
Jabba: Who is this? I've killed creatures for such insolence!  
  
Emperor: Eep! (hangs up)  
  
Jabba: Stupid prank callers! Bring me a talk 'droid! I will make some calls myself.  
  
(Jabba dials the Coruscant Department Store)  
  
Department Store Clerk: Hello. This is the Coruscant Department Store. Cammie speaking. How may I help you?  
  
Jabba: What do you buy a Wookie for Christmas...when he already owns a comb?  
  
Cammie: We have a large line of specially designed Wookie clothing, accessories and gifts. Would you like a catalog?  
  
Jabba: Damn you, woman! You're not supposed to have an answer! (hangs up)  
  
Cammie: I don't think he really wanted anything for a Wookie...  
  
(Cut back to Rebel base. Leia answers a ringing phone)  
Leia: Hello?  
  
Darth: Hello. Do you have a running washing machine?  
  
Leia: (Catching on quick, just like her brother. She adopts a low, suggestive tone.) We don't have washing machines at the Twi'lek Slave Girls hot line. We like to keep things dirty...  
  
Darth: (Going bright red) Ack...um...er...wrong number! (hangs up)  
  
Leia: That'll teach 'em! Now it's my turn. (She calls Yoda)  
  
Yoda: Leia, the Princess, who is not the author. Help you, I can?  
  
Leia: Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!  
  
Yoda: (Getting really angry) Obi-Wan I am not! Die I do not until the Jedi Returns. Die he does in a Hope that is New! Old, ugly man is he! Green and short am I! Short and cute!   
  
Leai: (Laughs and hangs up)  
  
(Cut back to a shot of Luke. He picks up the phone.)  
  
Luke: Now, whom should I call? I know! I'll call Princess! (Dials Princess's number.)  
Princess: Hello.  
  
Luke: Did it hurt?  
  
Princess: Did what hurt?  
  
Luke: When you fell down from heaven.  
  
Princess: Who is this?  
  
Luke: You must be tired.  
  
Princess: Why?  
  
Luke: Because you've been running through my head all day!   
  
Princess: Why are trying pick up lines on me?  
  
Luke: Were those space pants you were wearing earlier?  
  
Princess: Space pants?  
  
Luke: Because your butt was out of this world!  
  
Princess: Luke?  
  
Luke: Damn!  
  
Princess: What's your sign? (giggles and hangs up)  
  
Luke: That was my best work. (Leans back in his chair and smiles.)  
  
(Cut to shot of the Imperial throne room. The Emperor answers the phone.)  
  
Darth: Hello. Is your washing machine running?  
  
Emperor: Yes.  
  
Darth: Then you'd better go and catch it! (giggles)  
  
Emperor: You are unwise to try and deceive me, my friend.  
  
Darth: Eep!  
  
(Review, or my tribe of Ewoks roasts you alive and eats you for Sunday brunch!)  
  
  



End file.
